


What's in a Name?

by Julybb94



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, M/M, Nicknames, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:15:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21614440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julybb94/pseuds/Julybb94
Summary: Buck starts to dive into past and the reason behind his nickname.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 14
Kudos: 368





	What's in a Name?

**Author's Note:**

> First post, be gentle. :)

Buck hadn’t always preferred using his nickname over his actual name, Evan Buckley. Growing up, he was Evan to everyone, Maddie included. He started introducing himself as Buck during his junior year of high school. It was after years of hearing the way his father spoke his name with such disgust and irritation that Buck couldn’t stand the sound of his own name anymore.

Most of his relationship with his dad consisted of constant berating of Buck for not living up to his dad’s expectations. When he was younger, it was mostly the constant frustration and belittling. As he grew older, his father felt he needed to “teach his son a lesson” and was physically abusive toward Buck. His father had been that way toward Maddie once and only once because Buck made it his mission to take the brunt of his father’s anger to save Maddie. Despite being the younger brother, Buck wanted to protect his sister more than anything. Maddie was his lifeline despite living in her constant shadow, and when she left home abruptly after high school, Buck felt like he had been abandoned by the only person who actually cared for him. Throughout all of the emotional and physical abuse, his mother turned a blind eye. Buck wasn’t sure how much of it she actually saw and how much she chose not to see. He managed to finish high school and moved out following graduation and never looked back. He knew that this hurt his mother more than anything, but he couldn’t take being around his father any longer.

It was coming up on 8.5 years to the day since he had seen his parents and Buck could feel the weight of guilt for not leaving things better with them. He couldn’t help but think that he played a part in the way things ended.

“Earth to Buck!” Hen called across the table while tossing a dinner roll at his head bringing him back to reality. Buck glanced in her direction as the roll bounced off his head and on to the floor. Chimney laughed at the food fight, but his expression changed when Bobby glared at him.

“Hen, please don’t throw food around my kitchen.” Bobby said with a smile and a shake of his head. Buck smirked at Hen apologetically. Hen raised her eyebrows, “I asked if you could pass the salad, please Buckaroo.”

“Oh yeah, sorry” Buck quickly reached over Eddie’s plate to grab the bowl of salad. In doing so, he knocked over Eddie’s glass of water and the majority of it landed right onto the man’s lap. Eddie grabbed the glass before it could fall off the table and pushed back from the table to stand up.

“Shit, man! I’m so sorry!” Buck said quickly handing off the salad to Hen before grabbing a stack of napkins to dry up the water on the table. He felt all of their eyes on him.

Eddie sighed and then let out a low laugh. Buck looked up at Eddie gauging his reaction. Eddie met his eyes while drying himself off with a couple of napkins. “Evan, you are just off your game today.” Buck flinched at the sound of his name in Eddie’s mouth. The reaction didn’t go unnoticed as Eddie’s brows furrowed in response.

“I know, man. I’m sorry. I’ll grab a towel for you.” Buck added, also pushing back from the table and heading toward the kitchen. Buck found a couple of towels in a drawer and handed them to Eddie. Buck picked up his empty plate and cleared the rest of the wet napkins from the table before throwing a “thank you” to Bobby for the meal. Bobby nodded in response, his eyes following Buck as he left the table and headed quickly for the stairs, disappearing from sight.

Buck had been a little more than distracted recently at work. He knew he needed to get focused otherwise he was going to get a talking to from Cap, but he couldn’t stop thinking about the holidays coming up and he wasn’t sure where or what his parents had been doing. He knew he could probably talk to Maddie about it, but they hadn’t talked about their parents in quite some time. Buck also hated to upset Maddie after everything that she has been through with Doug and her mandated therapy. Not to mention the most recent happenings with Tara and her husband. Maddie deserved to have time to relax and be happy with Chim. Buck moved toward the gym to attempt to ease his mind a little.

Buck let out a sigh as he slowly lowered himself on his final pullup. He grabbed the bottom of his shirt and wiped the sweat from his forehead. As he turned around, he nearly ran right into Eddie and stumbled backwards slightly regaining his footing.

“Hey man, you scared the crap out of me” Buck attempted a smirk as he stepped around Eddie to grab a drink of water, taking his headphones from his ears.

“Sorry, I said your name twice but--” Eddie trailed off as he gestured towards Buck’s headphones which now dangled from his neck still pounding loudly with some angry screaming.

Buck finished drinking and nodded. He headed toward the locker room to shower and change. He could feel Eddie’s eyes on him as he walked away. He knew Eddie wanted to talk, but he wasn’t in the mood. Buck grabbed a towel and some clothes from his locker before closing it to head to the shower. He nearly jumped out of his skin, dropping his clothes and towel as Eddie stood on the other side of his now closed locker.

“Okay, you gotta stop doing that.” Buck said clutching his chest with one hand as he motioned to Eddie standing silently with his arms crossed his chest.

“Are you going to tell me what’s on your mind or are you going to make me follow you into the shower too?” Eddie asked as Buck picked everything up off the floor and turned to walk toward the showers. Buck dropped his head and turned back around slowly holding his clean clothes and towel away from him.

“It’s nothing man, sorry about the water in your lap.” Buck said his eyes dropping to Eddie’s now dry lap.

Eddie dropped his arms, sticking his hands in his pockets and smirked. “Well Buck, if you wanted to get me all wet and bothered, I could think of more fun ways than dousing me with a cold glass of water.”

Buck smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Are you flirting with me to get me in the showers or to get me to talk to you?”

Eddie took a step forward tilting his head slightly. “Why can’t it be both? I can see you are way in your head right now. Maybe you need just a little bit of a break?” Eddie took another step forward as he gently took Buck by both of the shoulders.

Buck shifted his eyes from Eddie’s face to the open door behind him where Bobby was now standing. Buck cleared his throat and his eyes traveled from Eddie’s face back to Bobby in the doorway. Eddie turned dropping his hands back to his sides.

“Do you mind if I have a moment with Buck?” Bobby asked his eyebrows raised in a knowing way.

Eddie nodded, “Of course, Cap.” Eddie left the room, but not before throwing an apologetic glance over his shoulder at Buck.

“Buck, we need to talk.” Bobby said as he took a few steps into the room. Buck nodded, “Sure thing Cap, I was just going to shower quick.” Buck gestured towards the showers.

“No, we are going to talk now.” Bobby said as he closed the door and sat on the bench. Buck nodded solemnly setting down his clothes next to him as he lowered himself onto the bench. “Look, kid. I don’t know what’s going on with you lately, but we need to figure it out because it’s starting to impact your work.” Bobby started, trying to catch Buck’s eye unsuccessfully. “Is there something going on at the firehouse that I need to know about? Do we need to have a chat about any relationships or dynamics going on here that are making it hard for you to do this job?”

Buck knew that Bobby was clearly referring to Eddie, but Buck played dumb. “No, Cap. It’s nothing like that. I’m not having any issues with anyone. You guys are all like family to me.”

“I wasn’t exactly referring to bullying or anything, Buck.” Cap said. “I know you can handle the constant jabs and I’ve seen you deal out a few too. I just want to be clear that if you are seeing anyone that you are working with, I need to be made aware of that. Especially if it’s impacting your job.” Cap bent his head to the side finally meeting Buck’s eyes that have been too focused on the ground for the past couple of minutes.

“Bobby, I am not dating anyone.” Buck said, the tips of his ears burning red with embarrassment. He and Eddie weren’t dating technically. They were flirting. It’s different. Plus, Buck couldn’t be sure that Eddie was actually flirting all of the time. Sometimes Buck’s mind wandered and his thinking was slightly dirtier than the average mind, often taking comments out of context.

“Okay, so if it’s not that then what is going on with you? I watched you put your overalls on backwards yesterday” Bobby said and Buck huffed a laugh. “Twice.” Bobby added which made Buck rub his face with both hands out of frustration and some embarrassment.

“It’s my name.” Buck said through his hands which were still covering his face. He felt Bobby’s confusion in the silence that followed. Buck dropped his hands and looked up at the man that had quickly become the closest thing to a father to him.

“My name” Evan repeated. “I’ve been thinking about my name and my parents and how I hadn’t always been the best son. It’s worse being that it’s Christmas time and I haven’t seen them in over 8 years. I don’t even know where they live anymore, Bobby. I haven’t talked to them in so long. I can’t even remember what my mom’s voice sounds like.” Buck paused his eyes brimming with tears. He knew that he wasn’t making any sense. He took a shaky breath. “I hate my father for everything he did to me and didn’t do for me and I can’t stand hearing my own name because of him. How fucked up is that?”

He got up suddenly, the tears spilling over and grabbed his clothes and towel from the bench beside him. “Can I please be dismissed to go shower, Cap?” He asked exhausted. Bobby nodded and Buck immediately retreated into the showers.

When Buck left the shower dressed in sweats and a t-shirt for the end of his shift, Bobby was no longer on the bench. Buck returned to his locker to get his clothes and bag. He saw a note in the bottom of his locker. He grabbed the paper and immediately recognized Bobby’s writing and sighs.

_Buck,_

_Take tomorrow off and spend some time with people who are there for you like you deserve. Don’t even think about coming in tomorrow. Come see me at the start of your next shift._

_-Cap_

Buck frowned and shoved the paper into his bag, shutting his locker a little harder than necessary. He knew Bobby was trying to be helpful, but the last thing Buck needed was more time to get lost in his head. Buck grabbed a hoodie from his bag and zipped it up, throwing his bag over his shoulder. On his way out the door, he noticed a figure leaning against his Jeep. As he got closer, he was slightly surprised to see that it was Eddie. He assumed he had already left given his shift ended almost an hour ago.

“Wow, going for the record of most annoying coworker today?” Buck threw his way a little too harshly as he puts his bag in the backseat. Eddie pretended to not be fazed by the jab and stayed planted in front of the driver’s door, relaxed with his arms folded across his chest. Buck glanced at him sideways and noticed how militant he appeared despite trying to look casual. He shook his head and bumped Eddie with his shoulder. “Do you mind if I get in my car?”

Eddie looked over at Buck and Buck could feel a deep aching in his chest. When Eddie looked at him, really looked at him, he felt as though Eddie could see right through him. Buck bit his lip to keep it from quivering.

“Do you want to come over for a beer or do you need to pick up Chris?” Buck asked quietly. Eddie smiled slightly, knowing he had won.

Eddie said smiling warmly at Buck and added, “Chris is spending the night over at Hen and Karen’s with Denny.” Buck nodded and raised his eyebrows at Eddie and glanced to the car door that Eddie was still blocking.Eddie took the hint and stepped out of the way, catching the door before Buck slammed it in his face. Eddie stepped between the door and Buck. Buck felt his breath hitch slightly as he was eye level with his best friend. Eddie looked at Buck and set his hand carefully on Buck’s knee and smiled. “I know you don’t really want to talk to me, but I am more than happy to drink all of your beer and let you win at every video game if that will make whatever is going on with you any better.” Buck rolled his eyes and smiles. The smile reached his eyes this time and Eddie squeezed his knee before stepping away and closing the door to Buck’s Jeep gently.

Eddie’s truck was parked outside Buck’s apartment by the time he arrived home. Buck grabbed the 6 pack from his backseat along with his bag and headed inside. Eddie was sitting comfortably on Buck’s couch watching TV as if he owned the place. Buck smiled, already feeling better not coming home to an empty place after the rough day at work. He put the 6 pack in the fridge and took out two cold ones, opening both as he walked toward Eddie on the couch. Eddie took the beer from him and patted the seat next to him on the couch as he draped his right arm on the back of the couch. Buck sat, taking a long drink, and set the beer down on the coffee table in front of him. Eddie had some cooking show on and Buck leaned forward with his elbows resting on his knees. Eddie cautiously moved his hand from the back of the couch to place it on Buck’s back between his shoulders. Buck immediately relaxed as the touch and took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry I dumped water on you and snapped at you today.” Buck mumbled with his face resting in his hands. Eddie laughed and started to rub Buck’s back gently. Buck arched his back slightly.

Eddie smiled warmly. “Can you tell me why you were having such a bad day? Or bad week it seems?” Eddie took a pull from his beer before setting it next to Buck’s on the coffee table. Buck stayed quiet for some time and Eddie didn’t push him at first, continuing to rub Buck’s back. When the seconds drifted into minutes of silence, Eddie prodded Buck gently.

“Evan, I would really like to be here for you, to listen, if you would let me.” Eddie felt Buck's breath hitch and he started to shake. Eddie sat up straight and reached out to grab hold of Buck’s shoulders and turned him slightly. As he turned Buck toward him, Eddie realized that Buck was crying. “Hey, shhh” Eddie whispered as he pulled Buck toward him gently. Buck fell against Eddie’s chest while Eddie continued to whisper softly in his ear. Eddie held Buck tightly to his chest for a long time until Buck’s breathing slowly returned to normal.

“I haven’t talked to either of my parents in over 8 years.” Buck said breaking the silence. He felt more confident talking when he didn’t have to look Eddie in the eye. Eddie began to rub circles on Buck’s arm. “I never went to therapy to process what they did to me when I was younger, and it’s starting to catch up to me. I thought I could just start over and forget about everything.” Buck paused to wipe his tears with the back of his hand. “I guess I couldn’t outrun it after all.”

Eddie squeezed Buck tighter to his chest and Bucks let out a breath slowly. “I was thinking about my dad and my nickname.” Buck started to explain. “When you called me Evan at the table after I spilt water on you, it took me back to my childhood. My dad, the way he used to say ‘Evan’ made me feel sick to my stomach. I started to associate my name with being a disappointment. It got to the point where someone would say my name at school and I would physically feel ill, cower, or start crying. Finally, I just started going by Buck when I was in high school because I was too embarrassed.”

Eddie stopped rubbing Buck’s back and Buck looked up at him through his eye lashes. Eddie’s face became hard and unreadable. Buck had only seen that expression a handful of times and it’s when Eddie is deep in thought or angry. Buck suddenly felt his heart rate spike and he worried he had said too much. Eddie glanced down at Buck and his face softened.

“Hey, it’s okay. Buck, just breathe.” Eddie said as a sad smile appeared on his lips. “I’m sorry I used your first name, I didn’t realize why everyone has always called you Buck.” Eddie began rubbing circles on Buck’s back and arm again and Buck relaxed back into his chest. “You didn’t deserve what happened to you back then Buck, and you shouldn’t hold yourself accountable to fix where things were left off. You know we just talked about this, you can’t help people who don’t want to be helped.” Eddie added.

Buck nodded against Eddie’s chest and sighed.

“I promise you that until you tell me it’s okay, I will only call you Buck.” Eddie said quietly even though it was just the two of them in Buck’s apartment. Buck, fearful that his voice would break if he tried to use it, just nodded again.

After a few minutes of sitting there together, Buck decided that they needed a little distraction.

“Bobby asked if we were dating today.” Buck said casually. He felt Eddie’s whole body tense up. Buck looked up at Eddie again and Eddie looked down at him worriedly.

“What did you say?” Eddie asked quietly. Buck heard his heart racing in his chest and he smiled. “Are you smiling? Why are you smiling?” Eddie asked incredulously. “Buck, we could get in some serious trouble if we don’t disclose that we’re together and it’s getting in the way of work.”

Buck started to laugh into Eddie’s chest asking, “Are you asking me to be your boyfriend during a panic attack?” It felt good to laugh after this long day. Buck gained his composure and looked up at Eddie. Eddie was rolling his eyes and his bottom lip was jutting out slightly. Buck smiled up at him, “Okay, I’m sorry. I told Bobby that we weren’t together and that you were not the reason I was having a bad day.” Eddie looked down at Buck curiously.

“Are you trying to tell me you aren’t interested in dating?” Eddie asked sadly. Buck could see that he was genuinely worried and he felt a pang in his chest for laughing at Eddie after he had been so sweet and understanding after everything that had happened today.

“I figured you and I should actually talk about it before I go disclosing to HR that we are official.” Buck said cautiously. “I just didn’t know if the flirting was just in my head or if it was just something casual to you.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Buck, I asked you to shower with me at work. That’s not in your head, bud.” Eddie said shaking his head as Buck sat up slowly. Buck noted the tear stains on Eddie’s shirt and touched them gently and looked at Eddie apologetically.

“So, is that offer for a shower still good or..?” Buck trailed off with a slight smirk. Eddie smiled and rolled his eyes gently holding Buck’s hand against his chest.

“My man, able to jump from sad puppy to shower sex in a single bound.”

Buck laughed and pulled Eddie up off the couch. “We should probably define this before I go back to work next, Bobby is expecting me in his office first thing.” Buck fluttered his lashes at Eddie who pulled him close. Eddie leaned in gently with his hand cupped around the back of Buck’s neck. Eddie kissed Buck who quickly returned the pressure and pulled Eddie closer by his shirt.

Eddie pulled back breaking the kiss to whisper in Buck’s ear, “I think you read my mind earlier when I said that I had a few ideas about ways to get me wet and bothered.” Buck grinned and pulled Eddie closer. He knew that he had a lot to work through with his parents, but Bobby was right. He needed to spend time with people who are here for him like he deserves.


End file.
